After We Fell Apart
by Shae-Lynn1
Summary: CJ/Josh fic set between 17 People and Dead Irish Writers. When things go very wrong, you look for something that will make you feel real.
1. Weakened State

**Hi everyone! This is my first West Wing fic and I'd really appreciate your feedback (preferably constructive). **

**Pairing: CJ/Josh**

**Rating: M for strong language and sex**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these guys. But if I ever find a magic lamp, that's my first wish.  
**

**Spoilers: Season two and early season three**

**Note: This story is set between the events of 17 People in Season 2 to Ways and Means in Season 3. Basically I was thinking about what happened when Josh found out, and how the tension might have built as each staffer found out at different times. CJ is my favourite character and I'm a CJ/Toby and CJ/Danny shipper as well, but I believe a few people have pointed out the guilty pleasure that can be had from shipping CJ/Josh, and that's where I'm coming from.**

**Also thanks to my amazing beta CJ.T!**

-~-

He couldn't say anything. His whole body felt numb. It was like one of those nightmares where you open your mouth to scream but nothing comes out. Where you know something bad is happening but you can't quite believe it.

"Josh?" said Leo, looking concerned. Josh managed to pry his eyes off the Presidential seal in the carpet of the Oval Office and meet the eyes of his boss on the opposite couch next to the President. Josh swallowed hard and then nodded slowly.

"Yeah, okay," he said, trying to sound more together than he felt.

"Josh, you know why I didn't tell you earlier," said President Bartlet with a caring voice.

"Yeah, it's fine." Josh was still nodding, a little too much. He stopped his head and looked down at his hands, clasped in his lap, knuckles turning white from gripping. He hadn't realized he'd been doing that. He forced himself to put his hands down at his side. He swallowed again. "So who else knows? I mean in the West Wing?"

"Toby, Charlie, Oliver Babish. The First Lady, of course," Leo outlined.

"Not CJ or Sam?" Josh didn't like the sound of this. He could lie to opponents any day of the week but lying to his friends wasn't his strongest point. Not on things like this.

"We need their heads in the game," said Leo, "but they'll know soon."

So many things were running through Josh's mind. He didn't know whether he was angrier at the President for lying or at himself for not figuring it out so they might have had a chance to salvage something from this administration. And then all he could think about was how CJ was going to take it. He stood abruptly.

"I guess you'll want me to go meet with Babish now?" Leo nodded.

"Sure. I'll see you later for the meeting at five." They both looked to the President for his okay.

"Go ahead," said President Bartlet quietly. As Josh made his way to the door, Leo added, "Josh. I know we can trust you not to talk about this to CJ or Sam yet." Josh turned.

"Yeah, sure," he said. They could count on him, but he wasn't going to like hiding it.

-~-

Instead of going straight to see the White House counsel he went back to his office. On the way he smacked into CJ coming out of her office, scattering her files everywhere.

"Josh, watch where you're going!" she said, bending down to pick up her papers. Normally he would've made a smug remark or at least helped her pick up her things, but he just stood there, staring at something. CJ stood and looked into his eyes, tilting her head slightly to one side, concern evident on her face.

"Josh? Is everything ok?" Her voice made him snap out of it.

"Yeah. Sorry about that, Ceej," he replied, but her look of concern didn't go away.

"Sure. We'll if you need anything let me know," she said. Her worry only made him feel worse. She probably thought he was going crazy again. As if he didn't feel bad enough about the whole situation and not being able to tell her, he'd given her added stress at a time he was sure she really didn't need it.

He made it back to his office quietly and closed the door before Donna could come in and start up some policy argument. He didn't think he could take anything like that right now.

_CJ_, he said her name under his breath, silently cursing himself and the situation he was in.

His mind flashed to two nights earlier when he'd gone to give her a summary of a new bill that was about to come forward. There was hardly anyone left in the building at eleven-thirty and the hallways were dark as he made his way to her office. Inside she was sitting at her desk, reading something, lit only by the desk lamp. He stuck his head in the door.

"CJ?" he said quietly. She looked up, startled, and raised a hand to quickly wipe her cheek. It was dark but Josh thought she had been crying.

"Josh," she said, clearly trying hard to sound normal, "I thought you'd gone." He'd been close to this woman nearly every day for over two years now and he couldn't remember having seen her cry. The surprise he felt at the sight was quickly surpassed by the aching in his heart seeing her in pain.

"No, I was putting together this report for you for tomorrow morning," he said, stepping close to the side of her desk. She quickly closed what it was that she had been reading – a newspaper. "CJ, are you okay?" he asked. She shoved the paper under a file folder, but not before Josh saw it was the _Washington Post._

"Yeah," she said lightly. She turned to face him and stood up, her eyes evasive. "Just about to head home but I guess I'd better look at your summary. Have a good night," she said pointedly but Josh didn't move. She was so close he noticed her scent, clean like fresh laundry. He'd never noticed before. He hadn't been paying attention.

"You should go home if you're tired. It can wait until tomorrow, Ceej," he said softly.

"Sure. That's a good idea," she said. She turned back to her desk and began piling up some files. She grabbed her briefcase from the floor beside her desk and started packing up. Josh put a hand on her shoulder, somehow knowing he couldn't leave her feeling upset. The touch made her freeze. She shut her eyes, willing herself not to lose control. She didn't need him feeling sorry for her.

"CJ? Are you sure you're ok?" She took a deep breath regaining her composure, she shook his hand off and gave him an exasperated look.

"Yes, Josh. I'm tired, okay? I know this is sometimes hard for people in this building to believe but apparently human beings occasionally need more than four hours sleep a night. I've also heard some conspiracy theorists say that sleeping on the office couch is not a great long-term plan," she replied, voice full of sarcasm. Well, he thought, at least that sounds more like the usual CJ. He feigned a frown.

"I'm not sure I buy into that new-age stuff," he said, finally turning to go, "Have a good night. I'm here if you need anything."

"You too," she said. As he was stepping out into the hall he heard her add, "Josh? Thanks."

When he was getting ready to leave a half-hour later he went back and saw she had gone. He turned on her office light and saw the corner of the newspaper sticking out from under the file folder. Josh felt only a flickering of guilt before he decided to look at the paper. He didn't understand what could've made CJ upset. Maybe Danny had written something unflattering about the administration and she'd overreacted because she was tired, he thought.

It didn't take long to figure out what the real problem was. The front cover featured a story about riots caused by striking workers in France. It was written by Danny Concannon. Josh knew there was no way he'd be filing stories from Paris unless he'd been transferred off the White House beat, or if he'd asked for the transfer himself. He knew Danny had been in to CJ and he thought he knew why it hadn't gone anywhere, but maybe CJ had more feelings for Danny than he realized. Thinking about this, Josh felt a sort of pang a little bit like jealousy, but he tried to shake it off. No question, CJ was still one of the toughest women he knew, but part of him still wanted to kick Danny's ass.

"Josh, you must be overtired, my man," he said to himself. But lying in his bed that night he couldn't sleep. Old thoughts came into his head, thoughts he'd first had when he'd met CJ on the campaign. Images of her in his bed, those amazing legs wrapped around his waist, images he'd put out of his mind because CJ had always seemed like she didn't need anyone, definitely not some guy like him, spending his off time preoccupied with juvenile fantasies.

The next afternoon he ran into Sam on the way to the Roosevelt Room.

"Hey, Josh. You look like crap today. Late night?" Sam asked as they walked.

"Yeah. I left around twelve." He couldn't resist getting Sam's take on the situation with Danny. "So I understand CJ's pretty upset about Danny Concannon leaving," he added. Sam looked surprised.

"Didn't she pass on him when she had the chance?"

"Yeah, but I saw her last night and she was pretty upset about it." Sam shrugged.

"Huh." was his only comment. Josh continued.

"It's just I feel like an idiot for thinking because she was so tough that she never needed anyone," he said.

"Did you give her my talking points with the summary of the bill you did?" Sam asked.

"Yes," Josh answered and then continued, "So I've decided I'm going to be there when she needs someone," he declared. Sam stopped and looked at him suspiciously.

"Be there how?" he asked. Josh rolled his eyes.

"As a friend. The President was there for Leo. Leo's there for me. I'm gonna be there for CJ," he announced and began walking again. Sam followed.

"Wait, I thought you were there for me," Sam said with a deadpan expression on his face. Josh shook his head.

"No, you get Toby. I'm sure Leo could get you a copy of the flowchart."

"CJ gets you and I get stuck with Toby? Why do I get Toby?"

"Your offices are next door to each other," Josh answered matter-of-factly. Sam shrugged.

"Oh. Well that makes sense."

-~-

Well there goes that plan, he thought. But the guilt didn't go away. And through the unpleasant meeting with Babish and the looks Leo gave him when they passed in the hall, other feelings began to crop up. He worried about losing his job, about all of them losing their jobs. Most of all he worried that all the hard work they'd put in was going to be for nothing. No one would remember the gun control bill, their handling of Kashmir. All people would remember when they talked about the Presidency of Josiah Bartlet would be that he lied about his MS to get elected.

_All that work. _

Back in his office Josh tried to concentrate on doing some research before his meeting with Justice Department reps over the continuing tobacco industry lawsuit, but he couldn't focus. Donna stopped in to ask if he wanted a sandwich, but he couldn't even imagine eating right now. Then around six, Sam poked his head in the door.

"A couple of us were going to grab some drinks. You gonna come?" Josh knew he wasn't getting any work done and the idea of drinking himself into oblivion was pretty appealing.

"Sure. Who's going?"

"Me, Charlie and Ainsley, and CJ said she'd stop by after her event."

Great, Josh thought, I'm going to be the only one there who knows. But he stood up and pulled on his coat.

-~-

He could feel himself becoming stupider with each passing drink. Ainsley, still on her second glass of wine, was watching him and Sam argue about something from across the table, an amused look on her face. Charlie was nursing his third beer and watching a closed-captioned hockey game on the wall opposite.

"But you have to agree that urban planning plays a big role," he was saying, speaking at the top of his voice to be heard over the music in the bar.

"Sure, but only because it's a reflection of bigger attitudes," Sam threw back at him.

"Well, yes," Josh said. There was a pause as Josh tried to make sense of his thoughts.

"So you agree with me?" Sam asked. Another pause. Josh couldn't remember what he'd been arguing about. Just then he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Hi everyone," said CJ, "Is there room for one more?" Sam pulled up a chair between him and Josh and CJ took off her coat and the black wrap underneath, revealing a cocktail-length red dress with a low, square neckline and a string of red beads that highlighted her collar bone. Josh's breath caught and he was too drunk to stop himself from looking her up and down, from her shining eyes to her stunning legs. She smiled smugly and sat down slowly, enjoying his reaction. Then she turned to Ainsley, "Did I miss a classic Josh and Sam drunken matchup?" Ainsley grinned.

"They started arguing about whether midwives should be publicly funded and somehow ended up on the causes of racial housing segregation." CJ looked over at Josh, who was still looking at her.

"Do I have something in my teeth?" she asked.

"Huh? No, it's just..." how to answer without sounding like an idiot? "CJ, what kind of event were you at tonight?"

"A wine and cheese party for representatives of the BBC," she grinned, enjoying how she'd made Josh so flustered. She flagged down the waitress. "Can I get a cosmopolitan?"

"No grasshopper tonight?" asked Sam.

"I don't think the green matches my dress," she joked.

Josh watched CJ laughing with Sam, asking Ainsley where she'd gone to get her hair cut, inquiring after how Charlie's sister was, and thought she seemed back to her old self. Maybe even better. It could've been the scotch he'd consumed but she seemed like she was sparkling.

At one point after Charlie had gone home he felt CJ's bare knee hit his under the table. He didn't know if she'd even realized it but it stayed there and Josh felt an involuntary warm and tingling sensation spread up his leg. He mentally told himself he'd better stop drinking. He looked at CJ and she was looking straight at him, her blue eyes staring deep into his chocolate ones. She had the tiniest hint of a smile on her face. He quickly glanced around the table and saw no one else was looking – Sam and Ainsley were enmeshed in a heated argument about something or other. Turning to look back at her sitting there, sipping her cosmopolitan in that damned red dress, Josh couldn't stop himself from taking his hand out of his lap and sliding it onto her knee.

Part of him expected her to freak out but she only raised an eyebrow at him, almost issuing a challenge. She took his hand and slid it ever so slightly up her thigh, just under the hem of her dress, teasing him. He briefly shut his eyes. God, those legs. Josh wanted more than anything right then to keep moving his hand up under her dress.

"Enjoying yourself tonight?" she said, leaning over next to his ear to be heard. There was that fresh laundry smell again, coupled with something warmer, almost like cinnamon. Josh didn't know what he was supposed to say. She stayed leaning in, but under the table she gently took his hand off her thigh and put it back in his lap. "Don't worry, I'm not going to take advantage of you when you're drunk," she said softly in his ear, so close their cheeks touched.

"CJ!" he hissed, worried someone else might have had heard. She backed off, leaning back in her chair and smiling.

"No one noticed, Josh. I think I just heard Ainsley say she thinks don't ask don't tell is necessary to protect the religious freedom of army chaplains. Sam's not going to let that go for hours." She shrugged, "It probably would've been fun but it's probably not a good idea. I should get home. It's almost eleven and I have some stuff to read," she stood and put on her coat.

"Have a good night, guys," she called, waving to Sam and Ainsley. They looked up, startled back into reality.

"G'night, CJ," called Sam. Josh stared at her retreating figure. Just before she exited she turned around as if she knew he was still watching, and gave him a little grin. He waved again, then turned his attention back to his friends.

Close to midnight Ainsley began to yawn.

"I should probably go," she said. Sam stood to help her with her coat.

"Yeah we should all go get some sleep," he said. Josh nodded and reached for his coat on the back of his chair. As he turned he noticed something.

"CJ left her shawl here," he said. Sam shrugged.

"Grab it and give it to her tomorrow." Josh shook his head.

"Nah. She said she'd be up for a while. I'll just drive it by her place."

"You are not driving anywhere, Mr. Lyman," Ainsley admonished.

"Fine, I'll take a cab." They headed outside, Josh holding the shawl. Sam offered to walk Ainsley back to her apartment and they headed down the street, Ainsley waving good night to Josh.

"See you tomorrow," he said. When they were out of sight, without even thinking, he lifted the shawl to his face and let that cinnamon smell invade his senses.

-~-

The taxi stopped outside of CJ's building. He paid and got out, but when he heard the car drive away he realized he'd forgotten to ask it to wait for him.

"Shit!" he cursed. He'd have to call another one but maybe from inside. He made his way up the stairs, holding the shawl. Finding her door he knocked softly, worried that maybe she had gone to bed. But he heard footsteps, then the chain being taken off the door. The door cracked open and there was CJ with her glasses on, holding a mug of tea. Through the haze of the alcohol and everything stressful that had happened that day, that feeling of guilt started to creep back in.

"Josh?" she said, opening the door wider to let him in. She was wearing dark blue flannel pyjama pants and a grey T-shirt. He stepped inside and shut the door, trying not to look but noticing that she wasn't wearing a bra.

"I didn't wake you, did I?" he asked.

"No, I was still working. Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, I just brought you back your scarf...thing...you left it," he stammered, holding out the shawl. He wanted to spill out all the secrets, to forget the potential consequences. His eyes wandered around the apartment, clean and modern looking. CNN was on but muted in the living room.

"Thanks, Josh. You're very sweet sometimes," she said, taking it from him. She put the mug and shawl down on coffee table and returned to the kitchen counter, where he was standing.

"Um, I forgot to tell the taxi to wait so I should call another one," he said, remembering his plan.

"Sure, the phone's just over there. Want some tea while you wait?" Josh didn't move. His eyes had found CJ's again and he found himself thinking about the warmth of her thigh under the table. "Josh?" she said softly.

In two steps he crossed to her and pushed her against the counter, his mouth on hers, hot and demanding. She kissed back, her tongue slipping into his mouth, her glasses fogging up. She broke apart long enough to take off her glasses and start unbuttoning his jacket.

"I said this was probably not a good idea," she protested lamely even as she removed his clothes.

"That means there's a chance it's a great idea," he replied. His hands ran down her sides to her hips, where he pulled her into him, letting her feel his hardness forming. She moaned slightly and the sound was such a turn-on that Josh wanted more. He could hear her breathing getting heavy as he kissed up and down her neck, sucking lightly on the spot just above the collar of her T-shirt. She was loosening his tie and unbuttoning his shirt now, whispering his name.

He pulled back slightly and took off his shirt and tie, enjoying the look that came into CJ's eyes as she took in the look of his muscled chest. He grabbed her hand and led her to the couch, where he pushed her down and climbed on top, crushing his mouth onto hers once more. She tasted indescribably good, like fresh berries. He slipped a hand up her shirt and she gasped as his fingers found her breast. She arched into him as he cupped it and brushed his fingers gently over her nipple.

She began to undo his belt, feeling him hard against her. As his breathing quickened in anticipation he lifted up the hem of her T-Shirt and bent his mouth down to take her nipple in his mouth.

"Oh God, Josh," she moaned.

"Claudia Jean," he whispered back, backing up to look at her face. She was so beautiful. Just then out of the corner of his eye he noticed the television. For a split second he looked and saw they were covering a speech the President had made. He froze, the guilt of the secret beginning to overwhelm him. What was he doing here?

"Josh? Why are you stopping?" CJ asked. He gestured to the TV.

"The President," he whispered. CJ looked at him, incredulous, then started laughing.

"It's not like he can see us through the TV, Josh," she replied as she shook with laughter. But he couldn't keep going, not when she was going to find out about the President's MS and everything was going to come crashing down for her too. He slowly rolled off of her and began doing up his belt again. "Josh, you're not seriously going?" she asked, a combination of annoyance and concern in her tone. She pulled down her T-Shirt and got up, seeing that he wasn't stopping. Now he was picking his shirt up off the floor and pulling it on.

"I can't do this. You said you wouldn't take advantage of me tonight, but I'm the one taking advantage of you. I'm sorry, CJ," he said.

"Josh, you're not taking advantage of me. I'm pretty sure I'm the one who came on to you in the bar," she argued.

"But you don't know..." he trailed off. He was pulling on his coat. He balled up his tie and shoved it in his pocket and turned to go. She reached out a hand and grabbed his arm, turning him back to face her.

"What don't I know?" she asked.

"I'm sorry, CJ," he repeated, voice sounding hoarse. He shook off her arm.

"Yeah, you are," CJ called after him as he headed out the door and into the night.

-~-

As he walks home he feels like an idiot and a jerk. CJ is never going to forgive him, he thinks, and why should she? He just had just left her half naked on the couch and then panicked, and she had no idea why.

It was just starting to rain and he had several blocks to go, but he didn't care. That was such a mess, he thought. He decides to go to Leo the next morning and convince him to let CJ in on the secret. He was pretty sure he could make a case for it and then she'd at least understand what had happened between them, even if she was still going to hate him.

By the time he got home he was soaking wet and exhausted and it was two-thirty. Not caring about the sheets, he didn't even take off his coat or shoes before climbing into bed and falling into a dreamless sleep.

-~-

**Please review or send me a message. I appreciate your feedback!**


	2. The Drop Off

**Here's Chapter 2! Thanks for the nice comments from people on the 1****st**** chapter. Would love your feedback on this part.**

**Spoilers in this chapter for "The Fall's Gonna Kill You" and "The Crackpots and These Women"  
**

**Thanks again to CJ. T for beta-ing! **

-~-

"What the Hell?!" CJ shouted at the closed door. Wasn't this what guys were always saying they wanted? Casual sex, no strings? It wasn't supposed to be complicated. She'd hear Donna and Ginger complaining about how they could never find a guy that wanted commitment, but CJ had never had a hard time with that. Her problem was the guys who wanted too much, who wanted to compromise her independence. So why had Josh freaked out?

"Taking advantage of me? I'm pretty sure I can take care of myself," she said under her breath. What does he think? That he's somehow disgracing my honour? "What the Hell?!" she said again.

She paced around the apartment, putting things away, trying to get the sense of him out of the atmosphere. The taste of his kiss, almost like chocolate, was still on her lips so she brushed her teeth. She threw the black wrap in the laundry basket and washed her teacup. The President's speech was back on CNN so she changed the channel. There was a late-night re-run of Capital Beat, and damn it, Josh was on.

"Why can't you leave me alone?" She muttered, switching off the TV. Taking a deep breath, she tried to put the night out of her mind again. She turned on the radio a bit louder than she should've at that time of night. It was going to be a while before she could sit on her couch without thinking about the feeling of Josh pressed against her, so she lay down on her back on the living room carpet and tried to let the strains of the classical station's Bach concerto wash over her, matching her breath to the lifting and falling patterns in the music. The song ended and CJ thought she just might be able to forget the whole thing and go to sleep. She could always spend tomorrow being mad at Josh.

The next song began, a series of arpeggios that CJ knew too well. Her eyes flew open as she realized it was Ave Maria, a song that would always remind her of Josh. She scrambled up and hit the radios off button before the vocals started.

"Shit!" she cursed. But it was too late, the song was already in her head, as was the image of the night when she found him in his office listening to it. CJ walked around the apartment, flicking off all the lights. Then she curled up on her bed underneath the covers. Her eyes felt dry and tired, her head pounded. That's when she really knew why this was bothering her so much. It wasn't just the frustrated passion, the need she'd felt and that she'd seen reflected in his eyes. It wasn't just a defensive reaction to his walking out. It was that her instinct was telling her something was really wrong.

The Josh she'd interrupted that night listening to Ave Maria was paralyzed with the thought of a hypothetical future where he might outlive his friends. This Josh couldn't even muster an explanation for why he'd suddenly got cold feet in the middle of rounding second base. But she'd read a similar look in his eyes on both occasions. She couldn't quite place what it meant.

And what was it she didn't know?

Drowsiness was starting to overtake her despite her feeling of unease, her confusion and frustration.

"It wasn't supposed to be complicated," she murmured, letting her eyes close, her breathing relaxed. Descending into sleep she dreamed of his kisses on her body.

-~-

The next morning CJ awoke with a dull ache behind her eyes and a knot in her stomach that felt like both anger and dread.

In the office Josh was nowhere to be seen and Donna told her he had meetings on the Hill.

"He should be back at two for a meeting with Leo for about an hour," Donna said. Well I'll wait him out, CJ thought.

Her early afternoon press briefing ended at 2:10. She grabbed Carol's sleeve.

"Can you tell Josh I need to see him?" she asked.

"Sure but I think he's in with Leo. I can try to get him the message," Carol suggested. CJ shook her head. The last thing she wanted was for Leo to get wind of what had happened last night. She'd just have to catch him on the way out.

She sat at her desk, researching a question from the briefing and keeping her eye on the clock. Just before three, she heard a light knock on the doorframe and looked up to see Sam coming in.

"I brought you a copy of the statement the President's going to send out on Violence Against Women Prevention Month," he said, handing her the papers.

"Thanks," she said. She began to read the statement, then noticed Sam was still there. "Thanks," she repeated pointedly.

"It's really good," he said matter-of-factly.

"Great," she responded, a hint of sarcasm in her tone.

"I think I may have actually inspired myself" he said.

"To do what?"

"Oppose violence against women."

"Did you ever support it? Cause I should probably know about that."

"No, I mean I want to take action, like go light a candle or something." CJ snickered.

"I'm sure the women of the world appreciate it, Sam."

"Well I'd love to hear your suggestions," Sam shot back.

"You wrote the speech and it didn't have any suggestions? How about making a donation to a women's shelter?" Sam nodded slowly.

"That's good...Thanks!" he turned and left the office. CJ could hear him call, "Kathy? Get me a contact at the local women's shelter." She smiled and leaned back in her chair. Her eye landed on the clock on the wall opposite. 3:05.

"Shit!" She jumped up and practically ran down the hall to Josh's office, where she saw he was gathering his coat and some papers to leave.

"Josh?" she said. He looked up and she could practically see the blood draining from his face at the sight of her. Her heart felt like it stopped for a second.

"Um, yeah?" he replied shortly, nervously.

"Just thinking we had some things to talk about," she said tentatively, leaning against the doorframe.

"I don't really have time right now, CJ. I'm sorry." His voice sounded strained. He shut the clip on his bag, slung it over his shoulder, and avoided her eyes as he walked past her into the corridor.

"Well when are we going to talk about it?" she called after him as he retreated to the lobby. The anger was returning along with a sense of helplessness.

"I don't know!" he yelled back.

"You...you...jerk who I'm really mad at!" she sputtered.

"Well that was eloquent," came a familiar voice from behind her. She spun around to face Toby.

"Toby," she exhaled, frustration clear in her voice.

"I think you meant 'whom'" he added. She stared at him, unamused. "Jerk at whom I'm mad," he clarified.

"Yeah. Toby, this really isn't a good time," she stated flatly. She hoped he couldn't see how upset she was feeling but the weight of the pause he took before speaking told her he had sized her up. They had known each other too long for him not to pick up on it.

"Okay...Well I just came to say that I needed to see you in my office," he said softly.

"Now?"

"Um," he considered, "No. Let's do it tomorrow. It's just about the thing, the former Attorney General of New Hampshire's memoirs."

"Is it bad?"

"No, it's good. I just thought we might be able to make sure it gets some more coverage. But we can talk about it tomorrow afternoon," he said gently. She thought he had to know she saw through him, too. She could tell there was something he wasn't telling her and she narrowed her eyes as she looked back at him, trying to figure out what that something might be. He stared back at her, seemingly nonchalant. She knew he wouldn't tell her if she asked.

"Ok," she said finally.

"Ok? Tomorrow then," he stated but didn't move away. "CJ? Is everything ok with you and Josh?" he asked, lowering his voice.

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Ok."

"Ok."

Neither of them was going to give up any secrets today.

-~-

By midnight the next day she knew what was really going on. Fallout from the oil spill delayed her meeting with Toby until almost 11 and then Leo called her into his office to tell her about the possibility that she had unknowingly participated in a massive fraud against the people via the media.

But if not knowing was bad, knowing was ten times worse. Suddenly it made sense: the President's earlier collapse in the Oval Office, the heaviness and secrecy around the West Wing recently, Toby's witch-hunt for the leak the previous week, and the situation with Josh. She felt like she had asked to look under the phantom's mask and what she saw was horrifying and wrong, but also pitiful and sad.

She didn't scream, though she wanted to. She thanked Leo calmly and inquired after how the President was feeling. She almost managed a smile to Leo as she said goodnight and left, bypassing Toby's office, where she knew he'd be with a glass of Jack Daniel's and a quietly morose analysis of the situation – his version of a shoulder to cry on. There were only a few hours left before she had to be back at work to talk to Babish before anyone else was at work, so she went home, crawled into bed, and tried to sleep.

-~-

There was so much to think about that she mostly didn't think about Josh. Passing his empty office as she skulked to her meeting with Babish around 5 am, her mind flashed to the feeling of his lips on her neck, his body pressed against hers, but she shook it off.

_It was just one of those stupid things. Now I know why it happened, and there's very little chance it'll ever happen again,_ she told herself.

There were so many other things to worry about. Like watching her career dissolve in front of her eyes.

So when she was walking home that warm spring night after all the questioning and the insinuations by Babish she wasn't expecting Josh to follow her and stop her to talk. Her laugh when he asked about the poll was bitter, half-way between laughter and tears. She didn't want to look right at him. She had too much to worry about.

"It's the fall that's gonna kill you," she'd said. When he'd responded, "You mean us," it startled her. She finally met his eyes, saw the concern written there. Then she turned and kept walking but he caught up to her again, told her about Donna and the satellites. She kept walking. But after they said goodnight she had only gone a few steps before a cold feeling started in her stomach at the thought of another sleepless night alone in her apartment.

"Josh?" she called, spinning around. He was already halfway down the block but he heard her and came walking back.

"Yeah?" he answered, catching up.

"Why did you come after me tonight?"

"Because I wanted to make sure you were ok."

"And?"

"Because I'm sorry for the other night."

"It was a stupid thing for us to do," she said, looking him straight in the eyes to gauge his reaction.

"Yeah, but..." he trailed off and she knew he didn't want to spend the night alone either.

"But you're wondering would it be less stupid now?" she finished for him.

"It might be," he said softly.

_Because we might have a lot less to lose_, she thought.

"Want to go back and get your stuff and come to my place in a half an hour?" she suggested.

"Yeah."

She had too much to worry about, but maybe she had found someone who could take her mind off that.


	3. Apocalypse Lullaby

**Thanks to everyone who's given feedback so far.**

**Note: This is the chapter where the M rating really starts to kick in.**

**Also I've been using song titles for my chapter titles and thought I should give appropriate credit – Ch1 Weakened State by Sarah Harmer, Ch2 The Drop-Off by The Tragically Hip, Ch3 Apocalyse Lullaby by The Wailin' Jennys**

**Enjoy and please review!**

-~-

CJ half expected him not to show. As soon as she got home she hung up her coat and purse, opened a bottle of white wine and poured herself a glass, trying to steady her nerves.

She could barely recall the last time she'd invited a man over, and her mind felt blank - she couldn't remember exactly what she was supposed to do. She kicked off her heels and turned on the radio to a slow jazz station. She took another drink of the wine, hoping it would help deal with this aching feeling she felt in the pit of her stomach, a mix of longing and fear.

_What if he doesn't show up? _

CJ went into her bedroom and made sure things were mostly neat. She looked in the mirror and saw her reflection staring back at her.

_Should I change? _

She peeled off her nylons and threw them in the laundry basket in the corner and was contemplating changing out of her suit when she heard the doorbell ring. Hearing the sound she felt a sudden pang of panic, but it was quickly replaced by a flush of excitement remembering what they'd started the other night.

CJ opened the door to let Josh in. She could tell he didn't feel as nervous as she felt by the way he looked her up and down, then looked her right in the eye.

"Hey," he said softly, cracking a smile.

"Hey," she said, ushering him inside. She left him to take off his coat and shoes and went into the kitchen. "Want a glass of wine?" she called out.

"Not really," he said, coming up behind her at the counter and circling his arms around her waist. Burying his face in her hair he lightly kissed the nape of her neck. The lingering anxiety was replaced by desire, her whole body aching to feel more of him. She turned in his arms and pressed her mouth against his, exploring his lips and mouth with her tongue. Her hands came to rest in his hair, pulling him to her, not wanting to break the kiss. His hands explored her back underneath her blazer.

"CJ," he breathed pulling slightly away to catch his breath.

"Yeah?" she replied, taking the opportunity to shrug off her blazer, not caring when it landed on the floor.

"Want to go to your room?"

"Yeah," she said. They manoeuvred into the bedroom, removing items of clothing along the way – his jacket, tie, belt, shirt, her blouse and camisole. As they entered the bedroom she pushed her skirt down and stepped out of it, now standing before him wearing her lacy white bra and panties. Josh sucked in his breath and CJ grinned at the look on his face.

"Something funny?" he asked, pulling her to him, lowering his head to kiss her neck and collarbone. CJ leaned her head back to give him better access.

"Nothing. You just seem like you're enjoying yourself," she said, reaching down to unbutton his pants.

"Did I ever tell you you're beautiful?" he said softly.

"You aren't too bad yourself," she replied with a smile. He slipped off his pants, now wearing nothing but black briefs, and backed her up towards the bed.

She lay down and he climbed on top, filling his hands with her, feeling all the slender lines of her body. He was being tender with her and she needed tender right now, or else she thought she might break. She shuddered against him as he removed her bra and began kissing a trail from her throat down to her sensitive nipples.

"Oh God, Josh," she exhaled, arching into his touch, wanting more, focusing her entire mind and body on this.

She somehow managed to slip off his briefs and her panties ended up somewhere on the floor. She reached over to the side table for a condom and he took it from her, hastily unwrapping it with trembling hands. CJ sat up and took it from him.

"Let me do it," she said, sliding it over him slowly, noticing how ready he was. Josh put one hand under her shoulder and guided her back down. He slid his hands up her legs, groaning at the length of them. Then he gripped her hips and her arms locked around him possessively. For a moment, it seemed the world went still.

"Claudia Jean," he said in a whisper, asking the question with his eyes, letting her know how much he wanted her.

"Yes," she breathed, urgency in her voice, eyes locked on his.

Then he drove himself into her. Their pace became frenzied and she came first, moaning and shuddering as her climax shook her. He came just after her, shouting her name.

He stayed on top of her, catching his breath, and CJ noticed they were breathing at the same time. She smiled. After a few minutes he slowly pulled out and got up.

"I'm just going to go to the restroom for a minute," he said, giving her a little smile.

"Sure," she said. With him no longer there she felt suddenly cold and she climbed under the covers. She felt the haziness of afterglow overtaking her and realized for the first time that day she hadn't been thinking about work.

The restroom door opened and Josh came back in and stood by the side of the bed, looking down at her.

"Do you want me to go?" he asked. She reached out an arm to him.

"Stay," she said, taking his hand and bringing him back into bed with her.

"Ok," he said, smiling. He lay on his back under the covers and she curled up against him and rested her head on his chest, letting the rhythm of his breathing and the warmth of his body lull her to sleep.

-~-

The next morning CJ awoke to the beeping of her alarm on the side table. She reached over to turn it off before she realized that Josh wasn't there anymore. Listening, she heard the sound of the TV in the living room and some clanking dishes from the kitchen. She got up, put on her red bathrobe and padded out of the bedroom to find Josh in the kitchen, fully dressed, making coffee.

"Morning, sunshine," she said, smiling.

"Good morning," he replied before wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her on the lips. "Want some coffee? I hope you don't mind I used your stuff."

"No, that's fine. Coffee would be very helpful," she said, taking a cup from him and cradling it in her hands. "Did you sleep ok?"

"Best I've slept since I found out about the…thing," he said. Her heart sank at his mention of "the thing" and it made her think about the grilling she was likely to receive again from Babish that day. He continued, "But I gotta go home and get changed before work. I didn't want to leave until you got up, though."

"Yeah, thanks," she said, grateful for his consideration. She followed him to the door, where he put on his coat and shoes and then turned back to her before leaving.

"CJ, last night was…great," he said, seeming to have trouble finding the words. "And, well, I wanted to clear up if this was a one-time thing, or…" CJ felt overwhelmed.

"Josh, I don't think we need to label this," she interrupted. She'd needed it as much as he had, and she knew she might need it again, but she didn't know if what he was implying was too much. "Last night was amazing but we can barely know what our lives will be like a week from now. We can't plan anything like this," she said, knowing there was a hint of desperation in her voice.

"So we should just pretend this never happened," he stated, looking away, his expression disappointed.

"I didn't say that," she said, reaching a hand up to touch his face and get him to look back into her eyes. "But can we just play it by ear?" she asked. He nodded and gave her a little smile. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. Then she added with a grin, "You are a very talented man, Mr. Lyman. I'm going to have trouble not thinking about it today."

His smile broadened and he gave her one more soft kiss before he left.

-~-

"Good morning, Donna," Josh said, grinning. For the first time in over a week he felt back in the game.

"Morning," Donna replied, getting up from her desk to follow him to his office. "Toby wanted you to see him when you got in."

"About what?" Before she could answer he said, "Here, I got you a muffin." He tossed it to her. She caught it, looking at him strangely.

"I think the speech Sam's writing," she said slowly. "Josh, are you okay?" she eyed him suspiciously.

"Yeah. It's blueberry. You like blueberry, right?"

"Yes," she replied, "You sure you're ok? You're being nice. It's a little weird."

"What? I'm a nice guy," Josh said with indignation.

"Not before breakfast," she said. Just then Margaret came and knocked on the door frame, sticking her head in.

"I hope I'm not interrupting."

"Josh brought me a muffin," Donna stated, still looking distrustful. Margaret looked at him with concern.

"Are you okay?" Josh laughed.

"I'm fine. I'm good," he answered, sitting down at his desk.

"All right. Donna, I just wanted to let you know I have a card to sign for Lisa," Margaret said.

"Ok," Donna replied, following her into the hallway. Josh decided to check his email before going to see Toby. At the top of his inbox was a message from CJ. He glanced around to make sure no one was watching before he clicked it open. It read:

_Hi Sunshine,_

_Hope you're having a good morning. I hear we're meeting later to talk about the announcement. Things are probably going to get even crazier around here, but I wanted you to know I'm here if you need me to help take your mind off things._

_xo_

_CJ_

Meeting about the announcement tonight? Part of him had hoped they'd have more time. He might be back in the game, but recently the stakes had seemed so much higher and the penalty for failing so much greater. If he thought the pressure he felt was big, he could hardly imagine what it would be like for CJ, having every word scrutinized by the media every day. He deleted the original email so Donna wouldn't come across it. Then he sent a two-word reply: "Same here."

-~-

"So how did you feel when you found out?" CJ asked softly. They were lying in his bed late Sunday morning facing each other, Josh wearing a pair of boxers and CJ in a camisole and drawstring pyjama pants. Almost a week had passed since Josh had spent the night at CJ's the first time, but they'd both been so busy dealing with planning for and making the announcement they'd hardly seen each other outside of work. For his part, Josh had found the week was much more bearable knowing that if anything got too overwhelming he could give her a call.

"About the MS?" he asked slowly. He supposed it had to come up eventually "Pretty bad." He didn't know if he could elaborate. _How do you put that into words?_

"Sorry," she said, "You invite me over to take your mind off things and then I have to bring it up." Josh reached over and put a hand on her shoulder.

"No, it's ok. We were both thinking about it. I was shocked and then I remember I was worried about how you were going to feel." The words were out before he had a time to stop them. He saw her next question coming and wasn't sure how to answer it.

"Me?" she asked, confused. "Why?" What was he supposed to say_? Because I saw you crying in your office so I snuck into your office after you left and thought you were upset about Danny?_

"You just seemed kind of upset that week," he said.

"Why Josh, I didn't know you cared," she smiled, "That's very sweet."

"How did you feel when Leo told you?" he asked, changing the subject. She considered for a moment.

"It felt like this time in Junior High. I'm in the eighth grade and I have this big crush on this guy Tom Wilkinson who's a year older and pretty popular. But anyway there's this school dance and even though I'm tall and a little bit clumsy I just know he's going to ask me to dance."

"Wait, how is this related?" Josh interrupted.

"I'm getting there. You asked. So it's getting to the end of the night and I've been standing by the punch bowl with my girlfriends the whole time, but then a slow song comes on and there's Tom Wilkinson, asking me to dance with him. And I'm just star-struck. I feel like I've just been made queen for a day and like every girl in that gym wants to be me right now. So the song ends and I go back over to my friends and I watch him head over to his buddies and see his best friend hand him ten bucks and slap him on the back. They're laughing and they're looking over their shoulders at me."

"I don't get it," Josh said.

"His friend bet him he wouldn't dance with me," she stated. Josh moved closer to her and began rubbing her back in slow circles. "I'm fine," she said, "But that's how I felt. Like I got thrown in front of the bus. Like everyone in the room was either laughing at me or pitying me."

"So what happened to Tom Wilkinson?" Josh asked, looking deep into her eyes.

"I sent his dad an anonymous note to let him know his son was failing Math," she said, cracking a smile. She began to laugh. "He made him quit football for the year." Josh laughed, too. He could just see CJ back then, already a head taller and miles smarter than everyone else.

"Claudia Jean, your vengeance is swift and merciless," he said, grinning.

"You do not want to be on my bad side," she affirmed. Josh looked her right in the eye as he took his hand and slid it up under the hem of her camisole. She raised an eyebrow at him. Her breath hitched and she shut her eyes as his hand moved over her breast.

"Not after I've seen what it's like being on your good side."

-~-

The next week Josh could feel the pressure growing exponentially and while his heart ached watching CJ straining to get through the daily briefings that were more like interrogations, part of him guiltily admitted he was glad he wasn't in her position. He was so busy figuring out polling strategies with Joey Lucas and dealing with Haiti that he could barely find a moment to breathe.

When CJ screwed up in the briefing on Haiti Josh felt his heart come up into his throat. He should've seen it coming. He should've said something to her after the first two briefings. He should've convinced Leo to let someone cover for her that afternoon. No one in her position could've made it to that point without misspeaking.

He stuck up for her with Leo, so did Sam and Toby, but it didn't matter. And now they were putting her in front of the bus again.

-~-

CJ opened the door and let Josh into her apartment. She was wearing her pyjamas and he could tell she'd been crying.

"Sorry to come by so late. I wanted to make sure you were okay," he said softly.

"Josh, I'm really not in the mood for anything tonight," she said flatly.

"I'm not asking you to do anything if you don't want to, CJ." He wrapped his arms around her, enfolding her in a hug. She felt small and limp in his arms, like all the energy had been drained from her body. "Why didn't you call me?" he whispered. She pulled back to look at him.

"What?" she asked, a hint of hostility in her voice.

"Why didn't you call me if you were feeling bad before the briefing?" She pushed him away, eyes flashing.

"Maybe because I didn't know I was going to say something so stupid! Maybe because feeling bad is the way things goes these days and so even though I should've seen it coming I had no idea I was going to screw up like that!" she snapped back.

"CJ, it wasn't your fault!"

"I'm pretty sure I heard the words came out of _my_ mouth, Josh." He took her by the shoulders.

"We stuck up for you; me and Sam and Toby. I think even Nancy stuck up for you. It's because we know if any of us had been in your position we couldn't have hoped to have done half as well. I can't think of anyone alive who could've dealt with what you've been dealing with, without some cracks showing," he said, hoping like hell she knew it was true. He watched her consider his words.

"You mean that" she stated softly.

"Yeah. We're all exhausted, CJ. You maybe more than anyone. You can't be a superhero even if you want to be. None of us can," he added quietly. "And I didn't mean to say you should've stopped it. I was just trying to say I wished I could've helped."

"Thanks" she whispered, moving back to hug him.

"Any time"

"I need to go to sleep, but if you want to stay I don't mind." Josh had no desire to leave and he sensed that CJ didn't want him to go either.

"I'll stay." That night they just held each other. In the night he dreamed they were all on Air Force One and the pilot told them they were running out of fuel. The pilot said they needed to make the plane lighter in order to touch down safely. They threw out all their belongings but they were still too heavy. To be guaranteed a safe landing, the pilot said, they needed one person to jump out. They began to deliberate but before he knew it he heard CJ volunteer. He tried to move or scream but he couldn't. Instead, in the dream he watched her open the door at the side of the plane, heard the rush of the wind and saw her fall into nothingness.


	4. Breaking News

**Hi everyone. Spoilers in this chapter for Manchester Parts 1 and 2. Looks like this will actually go a bit beyond Ways and Means, as originally promised. I'll keep you posted but it looks like a couple more chapters touching on events up to H. Con-172.**

**Warning: adult content in this chapter**

**Thanks everyone for the reviews so far – please keep reviewing – would really like to have your feedback!**

**Happy reading!**

**-Shae**

-~-

CJ stepped out of the shower and was drying herself off when she heard a knock on the door.

"CJ?" came Josh's voice from the other room.

"I'll be out in a minute," she shouted, wrapping herself in a towel.

"Toby just called. He wants you to see him when you get in," he said. She swung open the door to find him standing there with two cups of coffee.

"You answered my phone?" she said, letting her displeasure show. Josh paused.

"Yeah, you were in the shower and I thought it might be important." He held out a cup, "Coffee?"

"Josh, I really don't need people at work hassling me about anything else right now," she insisted.

"I think you might be making too big a deal out of me picking up the phone," he said, annoyance creeping into his voice. The last thing she wanted was to be fighting with someone else today, but of all people, Toby was not the person she wanted getting wind of this.

"Sorry. Thanks for the coffee," she said, taking the cup. "I've got to get dressed. You heading out?"

"Yeah. I'll see you later." He leaned over and kissed her, then stood and headed to the door. She thought she should probably let it go, but she just couldn't.

"Josh?" she asked, stopping him before he left. He turned. "What did you say when Toby asked why you were here?"

"CJ, I don't think it's a big deal."

"I just want to know what you said so our stories match up."

"You're talking like we robbed a bank." He sighed. "I said I stopped by to bring you coffee on my way to work and I answered the phone because you were in the restroom."

She narrowed her eyes at him. Part of her wanted to keep asking questions but the look on his face told her he was in a rush and running out of patience.

"Ok, thanks. I'll see you later."

"Ok, bye." _Nothing to do now but cross your fingers and hope Toby's too busy to bring it up._

-~-

"You had something for me?" CJ said, sticking her head in Toby's office, hoping she could grab whatever it was and leave quickly.

"Yeah," he said, "Come in and shut the door." _Great._ He came around to the front of his desk and stood leaning on it, facing her. He crossed his arms. "I wanted to let you know that Leo's going to bench you on Haiti. And I wanted to say you shouldn't take it personally." Her heart sank like a stone. "It's just strategy and whether or not you or I agree with it, I'm giving you a heads up so you don't overreact later." CJ knew she shouldn't be surprised but she couldn't stop the feeling of hurt that threatened to overwhelm her. But then the anger started to take over.

"You know that no matter what I did they were going to be printing bad stuff about us today. Don't get me wrong, I know I screwed up but benching me is going to set back my credibility with the press, which might be something I'll need again at some point!" In the silence before he spoke, the horrible thought occurred to her: _maybe they think I won't need it. Maybe this is the end._

"It's not personal," he stressed again. "And go ahead and be upset if you want as long as you're not letting it interfere with your job," he said, exasperated.

"I'm overwhelmed by your confidence in me, Toby," she said, voice dripping with sarcasm. There was a pause before he continued, more measured.

"CJ, I called your house this morning and Josh answered. I'm just saying I don't want you to keep doing things you're going to regret later because you're upset. I still need your head in the game," he stated, voice rising.

"Well thank you for that helpful advice. And can I ask exactly what functional behaviour you're using to deal with all this? 'Cause I'm guessing it involves going through a case of Jack Daniel's while you sit and throw your ball at the wall and figure out how everything is everyone else's fault except yours," she snapped. She only felt a little regret as the words came out of her mouth, knowing it would get to him, knowing she was partly right. Toby got quiet.

"Well at least what I do, I do it in a way that isn't going to hurt anyone but myself," he said softly.

"You think I'm going to hurt Josh?" she asked, taken aback.

"I think at least one of you is going to get hurt. You work together. He's technically your boss. Did you honestly think there wouldn't be repercussions?"

She couldn't think of a quick answer. What had she thought? She hadn't really thought about it. She'd thought about the repercussions with Danny, and where had that gotten her? When she didn't respond, he took it as agreement and continued, "You probably weren't yourself after your thing yesterday, so tell him that and just don't do it anymore."

"Toby," she said carefully after a moment. He didn't understand. She didn't know if he could, but she couldn't keep it from him. "Toby, me and Josh – it wasn't just last night." His eyes widened.

"How long?"

"Well it's not really your business but since I found out about the MS," she replied, the edge returning to her voice. "Wait," she added, "actually it could be a few days before that. So you're wrong. It wasn't just about dealing with the situation. Josh is..." she trailed off. "Why are you asking again? You didn't care about Sam going out with a call girl but you care about me and Josh?"

"I don't care about Josh!" he yelled. She fell silent, the implications of the words sinking in. "I've known you for a long time, CJ. I'm just trying to make sure you're okay," he stressed. She started for the door.

"Well it's hard to be okay these days but I'm dealing just like everyone else. And the closest I get to okay is when I'm with Josh, so I think we're done here."

"Yeah," he said with an air of resignation. She headed out into the bullpen and shut the door behind her. _Damn Toby_, she thought, raising a hand to the bridge of her nose, trying to ward off the headache forming there. He'd given new life to that little voice inside her, the one that had been telling her from the get-go that the whole thing with Josh wasn't smart, wasn't good timing, the voice that was so easy to ignore when she was in Josh's arms. And now Leo was benching her. It wasn't the right move if they wanted her long-term, and Leo wasn't stupid, so the thought came back: _does it mean he doesn't plan to keep me around_?

On impulse she headed to Leo's office; she had to know, and she wanted to give him a piece of her mind at the same time.

"Does he have a minute?" she asked Margaret at her desk, noticing the door to Leo's office was open.

"Maybe a bit later. They're in the Situation Room right now and then he has a meeting with the First Lady. Abbey Bartlet's familiar voice came from inside the office.

"CJ? Come in here for a minute." CJ went into Leo's office to find the First Lady sitting on the sofa, legs crossed. Tension was evident in her face and posture but she smiled at CJ.

"Good morning, Ma'am," CJ said.

"Sit down for a minute," she said. CJ took the seat at the other end of the sofa. "How are you holding up?"

"Fine, thanks. And you?"

"All right. I heard you outside. Got an axe to grind with Leo today?" CJ shrugged and nodded. "Me too," said Abbey, "But do me a favour and leave it for today. You might feel differently tomorrow and Leo's got enough on his plate with me to deal with." CJ replied slowly.

"With all due respect, ma'am, you don't know what it's about."

"It's about Haiti," Abbey stated. The surprised look on CJ's face told her she was right. "Leo's bringing in someone else to deal with the press, right? Well I'm sorry, CJ, but I think it's the right decision. It's not personal. It could've happened to anyone. The issue's delicate," she said apologetically. CJ felt the sting of her words.

"I don't believe it's the right decision in the long-term," she replied, checking her anger.

"CJ, you might be right but at this point nobody even knows if there's going to be a long-term." This was almost too much for CJ. She was still re-playing her fight with Toby and now this. She didn't know if she was in the best head space to deal with Leo right now.

"Ok, well I'll hold off talking to Leo," she said. Even though she felt hurt, Abbey was looking at her with such concern that she was reminded of their talk the week before. She wasn't going to find a more receptive audience for her secret. She let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding.

"Ma'am, can I tell you something in confidence?"

"Depends on what it is, but probably." CJ glanced at the door to the reception area to see if anyone was listening, saw Margaret was busy on the phone.

"Josh and I have been..." she trailed off, looking for the right words.

"Sleeping together?" Abbey offered, always to the point with these things.

"Well, yes. And Toby thinks it's a bad idea, that someone's going to get hurt," she said.

"CJ, worrying about someone getting hurt is about the dumbest reason I've heard to avoid a relationship. CJ, someone always gets hurt," said Abbey, her voice sounding strained. She took a breath and put on a smile. "But Josh is a good guy and you might be just what each other needs right now. And I know you can both be trusted to keep it out of the workplace. So go for it. You're both adults. And I don't think Toby is exactly who you should be going to for relationship advice," she said with a knowing smile. CJ stood up, feeling relieved on one level at least.

"Thank you." She turned to leave, then turned back. "Oh, and ..."

"I don't think I need to tell anyone about this, CJ," Abbey finished.

"Thank you, Abbey."

-~-

She'd been able to go home at six for the first time in weeks. Walking through the door with the bag of Chinese food she'd picked up she immediately noticed how much bigger the place seemed, and how much emptier it was without Josh there. She thought about calling him but realized he'd probably still be working. Besides, she had some thinking to do that was better done alone.

The light on the answering machine was blinking and she pressed the "play" button.

"Hi Claud," came her brother's voice. She immediately felt guilty for not calling her family since the news broke. They must've thought she'd dropped off the face of the Earth. "It's Michael. Guess you're at work but just wanted to say that we've been watching what's been going on from out here and we hope you're doing okay. Anyway, we know you'll be fine. You just gotta...what's that thing you say? Get out in front of the story. If anyone can get this president re-elected it's you. Anyway, Hogan says hi. Give us a call when you get a chance."

_Get out in front of the story._

Michael was right, even though he didn't know half of the situation. She had to get back in control. Over kung pao chicken and a glass of Merlot she planned her resignation. It was the logical decision, but it would have to wait for a couple of weeks, until it wouldn't look like she didn't support the President or was forced to resign for her mistake. The main regret she felt was that no one except Leo could know, not even Josh. A lot depended on her ability to pretend that nothing had changed.

-~-

He'd had the release thought out for days and it only took him twenty minutes to commit it to paper. He left it sitting on his desk until everyone who'd told him it was a bad idea had left for the night. He'd pretended to listen to them, but he knew it was the right thing to do. Someone had to be brave enough to do it and then they'd see it could help them.

He hoped a reporter was left somewhere in the building. Heading to the darkened briefing room, holding a stack of papers he knew luck was on his side when he saw Katie gathering some things.

"Hi, Katie," he said, trying to sound normal. She jumped.

"Oh! I didn't think anyone else was here. I just left my coat earlier and I came back to get it," she said, catching her breath.

"Yeah. I'm just leaving but I heard someone in here and just wanted to check it out. Well, have a good night." As he turned he knocked the top paper off his stack.

"I think you dropped something," Katie called. He looked over his shoulder and saw her holding the paper, glancing down at its contents.

"No, I don't think I did," he answered, turning his back to her and walking out into the hallway.

He knew Katie was smart, she'd get it. Now he just had to hope she wouldn't tell CJ. Part of him was banking on the knowledge CJ would be too distracted to be worrying about grilling Katie about her source. He pushed away the guilt that rose up about going behind CJ's back. If it didn't go well, she'd be doing damage control and she'd have every right to be pissed. But something inside told him this was big and he had to do it. As he left the briefing room he felt a weight lift off his shoulders. He felt stronger, like he was making things right.

He glanced at his watch. Eleven. He knew CJ would probably still be up, but he couldn't call her with this lie hanging over him. And he knew telling her would just set off a fight. Maybe in a couple days when she knew, they could get back into their routine.

When she didn't say anything to him after the story broke, he thought it was odd, but he shrugged it off. He'd been preparing his defence for when he thought she'd come to yell at him about it: _they were going to get the money this way; what was there to argue about? _

On Sunday CJ called and asked if she could come over. He thought maybe she had just waited until they weren't at work to hassle him about the leak. There was no way she didn't know. But he'd heard that morning the committee was putting the money through and he felt great. He was drinking a beer and watching the game when he heard the doorbell.

He opened the door to find her standing on the stoop, wearing curve-hugging dark blue jeans, high-heeled boots, and a revealing black tank top underneath her leather jacket. He glanced down at his sweats, feeling under dressed.

"Hey," she said, stepping inside and pulling him into a passionate kiss. When she pulled away to take off her coat and shoes he knew he must look startled. "Everything all right?"

"You're not here to yell at me?"

"Why would I want to yell at you?" she asked. Is it possible she's not really angry about it, even though he didn't listen to her advice? He looks at her face and can't tell.

"The...never mind," he replied as she slipped off her top to reveal her lacy, black bra. "Your plan seems like more fun." A couple days ago when they were together she'd been vulnerable but now she was in charge. He liked it.

She backed him into the bedroom and onto the bed, staring at him with fierce determination. She climbed up and knelt between his legs, pushing his shirt up, and he helped by pulling it off over his head. She licked and kissed the contours of his stomach, lingering for a moment to place feathery kisses along the scar on his abdomen from the shooting. Josh knew she could feel him hard under his sweatpants. He shut his eyes as he felt her pull down his pants and briefs, moving quickly to pull them off his feet. She slid up him, running her cheek along his hardness, then her tongue. Josh groaned as she took him in her mouth. Her expert ministrations soon had him on the brink and he pulled her up, reaching down to unbuckle her belt.

"CJ, you're gonna make me come," he breathed.

"Darn. Maybe I should've just yelled at you instead," she said with a grin, wriggling out of her jeans. She took a condom out of her jeans pocket and unwrapped it, sliding it over him, eliciting another moan. She ran her fingers down his chest. "Are you sure you don't want me to just yell at you now? We could do this some other time." Josh sat up and took hold of her arms, pulling her up on top of him.

"Not a chance," he said with a smile, enjoying the view as she lowered herself onto him slowly.

"Good." He held on to her tight as she moved on top of him, willing himself to hold out, struck again by how beautiful she looked as her breathing quickened and her back arched. Her rhythm got faster as his urgent need overtook him and he came, shouting her name. She came just after him, collapsing into shudders.

"Wow, CJ," he said, holding her to him, rubbing her back. When she caught her breath she slowly extracted herself from his arms then pressed a kiss to his forehead before lying down on her back beside him. He took off the condom and tossed it in the trash beside the bed.

"Sometimes things happen like they're meant to, don't they?" she murmured.

"I know what you mean," he replied, coming over to take her in his arms.

"Bad things too, though." There was a tinge of sadness in her voice. He stroked her hair, thinking he knew what she was talking about.

"If the MS thing hadn't come out, we might not be here together right now."

"Yeah," she sighed. After a moment she smiled. "Did you want to catch the rest of the game?"

"Only if you come with me," he grinned.

"Only if you promise to humor me when I pretend I know what's going on."

"Deal."

Later, lying on the couch with his arms around her he knew that at some point soon they'd have to revisit their discussion about what this thing was between them, but he wasn't about to bring that up now. _It can wait_, he thought. He didn't want to ruin this feeling.


	5. Fracture

**A/N: Sorry for the delay in updating. I blame the holidays. This chapter takes place during Manchester Parts I/II. Hope you like it!**

-~-

"Josh? Is everything ok?" Stanley's voice on the phone sounded far away.

"Yeah," Josh answered, too quickly. "Not really," he corrected.

"Are you ok talking about it on the phone? I have an emergency session tonight with another client in an hour or so."

"No, the phone is fine. I'm ok and I don't have much time, it's just I..." he trailed off. As hard as he tried, he couldn't seem to get used to therapy, to saying these things out loud where it meant they were even more real. He didn't want this to be real. "Stanley, I really screwed up." He tried to will away the anxiety rising in his chest but he couldn't help rushing the next part: "I did something everyone told me not to do. And I thought I was right and that it worked, but now we might lose the election because of this thing."

"That doesn't sound good. Do you want to tell me more about that?"

"I mean, everything needs to be perfect now. I can't afford to make mistakes like this. Nobody can. I have to fix it, but I don't know if I can fix it." He wished he'd shut the blinds. The sun was shining in so bright he felt a headache building behind his eyes.

"Josh, you know we've talked about how you get pretty hard on yourself, and how that's not necessarily constructive."

"I know. But I've been letting myself get distracted lately and maybe I shouldn't be..." he trailed off, glancing at his closed office door, hoping Donna wasn't listening outside.

"Doing what?"

"Sorry, it's just really bright in here. It's like I need sunglasses to work." Stanley didn't answer. Josh knew how lame that must've sounded. There was a long pause before he heard himself speak again, voice strained, "Why didn't she yell at me?"

"Who?"

"CJ. She's supposed to yell at me when I do something stupid."

"CJ?"

"Yeah, she's the Press Secretary. She...we..." He didn't know how to explain it.

"I know who CJ Cregg is, Josh. Are you trying to tell me you've been seeing her?"

"Yeah, sorta," Josh replied, exhaling.

"And how has it been going?"

"Great," he said without thinking, then quickly back-pedalled, "Well, I mean, it's probably not smart. It could get in the way of work and..." he trailed off again, thinking.

"Is it?"

"Well, like I said, we can't be distracted now. Not after this." Stanley didn't reply and Josh knew he was waiting for him to elaborate, but he wasn't ready to do it yet. He changed the subject back: "Why didn't she yell at me?" he asked softly.

"Ok, let me get this straight. You've been seeing someone and you're mad that she didn't yell at you?"

"Yeah, I know it sounds stupid, but she's supposed to yell at me...at least when I screw up like this."

"Josh, what did you screw up?" Just then he heard a knock and Sam opened the door. Josh covered the receiver with his hand.

"Sorry. Donna said she thought you were free. Am I interrupting?" Sam said.

"No," he replied hastily. Uncovering the mouth piece he said, "Sorry, I have a meeting. I have to go. Thanks for taking the call. I'll try to get in touch in a couple of days."

"Josh, are you sure you're ok?" Stanley asked.

"Yeah. Great," he said, hanging up before Stanley could reply. "What's up?" he asked Sam, trying to switch back into work mode.

"Joey's polling on announcement locations just came in. Bruno's going to propose we do it in Manchester."

"When?"

"A week or so. That's the thing. I just don't know if we want to be doing that kind of announcement yet. We're not done with the fallout from the MS. It might look like the President's out of touch."

"Does it seem too bright in here to you?" Josh interrupted. Sam shrugged.

"I guess. So what do you think about Manchester?"

"I don't know how much longer we can wait. But let's take it to Leo and see what he says," Josh suggested, relieved to have something else to think about.

-~-

The thoughts didn't go away and he didn't get time to call Stanley back. Then again, he didn't get time to do much of anything other than get ready for Manchester.

He was looking at Joey's latest polling data when Toby came into his office and sat down on the guest chair, an expression of deep frustration on his face.

"Need something?"

"Nope," Toby replied, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees.

"You and Doug having a lovers' quarrel?" Josh asked, looking back down at Joey's report, knowing Toby wasn't going to answer. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Toby pick up the remote control and turn on the TV. An image of Nancy in the briefing room flashed on the screen. Josh put down the papers, feeling a wave of guilt. He'd forgotten. Toby must've noticed his stunned expression because he snapped his fingers a couple of times. "Hey, Josh," he said.

"Yeah," Josh replied, snapping back to reality. He pointed at the TV, "We're briefing on Haiti today." He should call CJ. He'd meant to give her a heads-up but he'd been distracted.

"Yup. Nancy did the briefing a couple hours ago. They're re-playing it."

"I haven't seen her today. How's she doing?" Josh asked, trying to sound casual.

"Nancy?"

"CJ."

"Well she's been pissed since I told her, but she seems pretty good today," Toby replied.

"Wait, you told her a while ago?" Josh asked, getting even more confused. "She didn't tell me she knew," he said, standing up. He had to go talk to her.

"Josh? Where are you going?"

"She didn't yell at me," Josh stated, heading out into the hall.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Toby called after him.

Approaching CJ's office he saw Carol coming around the corner.

"Is she in?"

"No. She had to go home to change. There's an EMILY's list fundraiser tonight," Carol replied. "Do you want me to page her?"

"No," he said. "What time is the fundraiser?"

"Seven thirty." He looked at his watch. Six. If he hurried he might catch her.

-~-

CJ opened the door wearing a cocktail-length black sleeveless dress with a v-neck and Josh momentarily forgot why he'd come over. She looked amazing.

"Hi, sunshine," she said, smiling at the dumbstruck expression on his face. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, then went back to getting ready. "You're done with work early." She grabbed a pair of small pearl stud earrings from the counter and started putting them in. Josh just stood in the entryway, still wearing his coat. He didn't know how to start, especially when the thoughts that had seemed so clear in his mind ten minutes ago were so much more elusive with her standing right there. It would be so easy to take a step towards her and wrap his arms around her, press his mouth against hers and convince her to skip the fundraiser and spend the night with him.

"I'm not done work. I'm going back," he managed to say.

"Ok. I have this thing and I have to go in half an hour," she said lightly. She hadn't asked him why he was here. He wondered if that meant she already knew.

"Are you okay? About Haiti?" he asked tentatively. She nodded.

"Well, I had a few days to get used to the idea," she said and he thought he heard a tinge of annoyance in her voice.

"I'm sorry I wasn't the one to tell you."

"Don't worry about it," she said, opening her front closet and pulling out a pair of black heels.

"So we're going to Manchester in a couple of days," he began again.

"Yeah..." She waited for him to continue.

"And I was thinking that, you know, we can't really be distracted right now. And so maybe we should stop." He felt his blood pounding and hoped CJ couldn't see how unsteady he was feeling.

"Stop what?" she asked, stepping into her shoes. He took a deep breath.

"You know, this thing with us. Our thing."

"Our _thing_?" she repeated angrily.

"Wait a minute. You're the one who didn't want to label it!" he replied, matching her tone.

"Yeah, well..." she trailed off. The silence hung between them.

"You didn't yell at me about the tobacco thing, CJ," he said softly after a moment, breaking the quiet.

"What?! You're saying we shouldn't do this because I didn't yell at you?" she asked scornfully. Bringing his eyes up briefly to meet hers he felt stung at first to see the accusation written there. Then he felt the anger return.

"It's your job to yell at me when I screw up like that! When I go to the media behind your back! You can't let your feelings get in the way!"

"I did not let my feelings get in the way," she replied firmly, eyes flashing, "I didn't yell at you because you were going to figure out how stupid it was on your own. And then I heard Bruno was going to talk to you about it and I knew that after that you'd be beating yourself up enough without me." He felt frozen, his mind numb. He tried to get his thoughts together.

"Why didn't you tell me that you knew about being benched on Haiti?"

"Because when you didn't tell me you were still going to leak the release I didn't think I needed to share everything with you just because we were having a _thing_," she replied, needling him. He looked back at her and saw her expression change as she struggled to regain control of herself. "Anyway," she said after a moment, trying to sound nonchalant, "It wouldn't be good if things got awkward at work now."

The shift surprised him. "Yeah," he said cautiously, "So you're okay with this?"

"Yeah," she answered, turning and heading into the bedroom. "You're probably right. This wasn't a good idea to begin with," she called back. The anger in her tone had been replaced by something Josh thought sounded like relief. He wished he knew what it meant.

"Maybe after the announcement we can look at the President's polling and the scheduling and work something out," he said, knowing it didn't make sense but needing to mitigate the cold feeling of finality that was creeping up on him. She came back out with the same black wrap around her shoulders that she'd worn that night at the pub. Was that really almost a month ago?

"Forget it." She grabbed a compact out of her purse on the counter and checked her lipstick in its mirror.

"Yeah, that was a stupid suggestion," he admitted, trying to smile a little. "So are we ok?"

"Sure," she said, flashing a smile that looked real enough. She replaced the compact and grabbed the purse. "See you tomorrow." He opened the door and stepped outside, waiting while she came out and locked the door behind her. Darkness was beginning to fall and the end of a purple and red sunset streaked the sky.

"You want a ride back?" he offered, trying to pretend everything was normal.

"No thanks. My car's just down the street."

"Ok. Have fun at the thing," he said to her back as she walked away from him.

-~-

Donna confronted him on his way back into the West Wing, following him down the hall with his messages.

"Josh, Toby wanted to see you to discuss who should introduce the President in Manchester," she said.

"Weren't they going to ask the First Lady?"

"I don't know. He wanted you to come by when you got in. Also if you still want me to take the train up tomorrow morning to check the venue in advance I need you to sign my travel claim form."

"No, Bruno's got somebody on it. You can come up with us."

"And Stanley Keyworth called," she added, lowering her voice as they entered his office. He took off his coat and considered the message before answering.

"Call his office back and figure out a time for me to call him after we're back from Manchester. Tell them I'm too busy to call before then."

"Are you sure? You look tired," Donna said, concern written on her face.

"Yeah. I am tired. And I don't have time to call him back," he snapped.

"Ok," said Donna tentatively.

"Sorry," he apologized with a sigh, "You can do it in the morning. Why don't you call it a night? Go home and pack. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Ok. Did you need anything to eat? I don't think you got lunch." He realized she was right; he hadn't eaten since breakfast, but he wasn't hungry.

"Nah, I just had a sandwich," he lied. Donna raised an eyebrow.

"Oh. Carol said you were looking for CJ. I thought you went to try and catch her before the fundraiser."

"Nah. I just went out to grab something to eat."

"Ok. Well you could've brought me back a sandwich too," she said, frowning.

"Well I'm letting you go home, so you can go get one now."

"Fine. Have a good night."

Alone in his office he collected his thoughts. _You just gotta pretend it never happened._ He looked at his watch. It was only seven thirty but he felt like he could crawl into bed and sleep for ten years. But after a moment he summoned up some more energy from somewhere and went to go meet with Toby.


	6. For Now

**A/N: Thanks to everyone for reading this far. So the scope has changed again – this final chapter mentions events in Manchester Part I, -172, and Dead Irish Writers. Please let me know what you think and if you'd like to see another story in this universe at a later date.**

**Again I want to thank CJ.T, who did a fantastic job beta-ing this story and is just an all-around great West Wing buddy!  
**

-~-

She didn't know which was choking her more: the smoke hanging thick in the air of the bar or the anger. She stared Toby down across the pool table, stopped using the cue stick and rolled a ball into the pocket.

He didn't ask why she was suddenly silent and obviously seething with anger at him. She knew she should be mad at Leo for telling, but God damn it, Toby was an easier target at the moment and she hated that he was right. About her resigning and about everything else. He picked up his cue and took another shot, face impassive, waiting for her to either calm down or explode.

"So are you going to tell me I shouldn't do it?" she asked tersely. He shrugged.

"I thought about it. But then again, you didn't listen to me when I told you not to overreact the first time. And maybe I'm not the person who should be asking you to stay," he said, the last sentence almost too quiet for her to hear over the music.

"Leo already asked but I'm still leaving," she said firmly.

"I was talking about Josh," he stated, watching her closely. Her chest tightened with a momentary panic.

"Wait, Leo told Josh too?"

"You mean you didn't?" She narrowed her eyes at him, wondering if that's what he'd been trying to find out all along. She didn't answer, picking up another ball and rolling it into the far pocket. "Well he must've noticed something," Toby added.

"He's been pretty distracted. Tobacco and now RU-482," she said bitterly. He raised his eyebrows at her tone, asking the question without saying anything. She hated how he could do that. "Besides, you were right." The words came out between clenched teeth and she burned saying them. He nodded, knowing without her answering directly what he'd been right about.

"Well if you need anything..." She looked up at his face; saw his deep brown eyes penetrating, seeing everything. That look and those words were all she was going to get, but it was enough to melt her anger or at least direct it somewhere else for the moment.

"No thanks. I'm gonna go. I'm tired," she said truthfully.

"Ok. And CJ?" he said, coming over to her as she pulled money out of her wallet to pay her tab.

"Yeah?"

"You shouldn't leave."

"Thanks." She handed the money to a waitress as she headed out, avoiding looking back at Toby, afraid if she stayed he might convince her.

-~-

Instead of going back across the street to the hotel, CJ got her rental car from the parking lot and drove. She drove out of town, past the Bartlet farm, down a long, winding country road until there were no houses or cars in sight. She pulled over by a grassy field and got out, taking off her heels before walking into the field. With the car turned off the only noise was the sound of crickets chirping. The night was warm and the ground was dry so she sat down a little ways from the car, tilting her head up to look at the stars and the half moon casting a peaceful light on the field.

She thought about her conversation with Toby. Should Josh have figured out she was planning to resign? She'd done her best to hide it.

"This has nothing to do with him," she said quietly. She wished she'd told Toby that. It was the truth. She left Josh out of it because it wasn't about him but he'd think it was.

She'd known from their conversation that morning on the plane that they were going back to how they'd been before, that they weren't ever going to talk about what had happened between them. And she brushed aside the empty feeling she got thinking about it because she knew in a couple of months she'd be back in California or somewhere else far away from Josh Lyman.

After a few minutes a breeze picked up and CJ shivered. Standing up she walked back to the car through the waving grass.

-~-

The morning of the announcement CJ was putting on her makeup when she heard a knock at the door of her hotel room.

"One second," she called, putting the cap on her lipstick. She answered the door and found Donna standing there.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure. What's up?" CJ ushered her inside, unsure of what Donna was there for. The look on her face made her worry.

"It's about Josh," Donna said cautiously when the door had closed behind her.

"What about him?" CJ asked.

"He's been having a nutty. He says he screwed up on tobacco."

"He did screw up on tobacco."

"Well yes. But also he says he screwed up on tobacco but I think he thinks he screwed up something else."

"What are you getting at, Donna?" CJ said.

"I think he means he screwed up with you."

"How did you..." CJ started.

"I figured it out. Don't worry, I'm not telling anyone. But you know how he gets. Things are going good and then he messes it up by getting angry about something stupid and he's too proud to admit that he made a mistake."

_That makes two of us_, CJ thought. She headed back into the bathroom and took her mascara out of her makeup bag. Donna followed and leaned in the doorway.

"I wouldn't have said anything except I'm worried about him," Donna continued. CJ felt conflicted; her heart went out to Josh but the memory of the hurt that had been fading over the past few days came back and she knew she couldn't go to him. And now that the President had asked her to stay, she would have so much more to lose if she tried again and things didn't work out.

"I'm sorry," she told Donna, sincere regret in her voice. "I'd like to help but I can't. We both made a mistake." Donna frowned but nodded. CJ capped the mascara and leaned forward against the bathroom counter, looking down at her hands. "Josh will be fine. He doesn't need me."

-~-

In the days that followed it seemed like that was true. The announcement came and went and the polling showed they weren't dead. CJ fed on that spark of hope and threw herself into her work even more than usual. After a couple of weeks she barely thought about Josh differently than she had before the MS situation broke.

She was waiting with Toby outside Leo's office, figuring out a line for that afternoon's briefing when she first heard about Josh and Amy. Donna was leaning over in Margaret's desk and the two women were talking in hushed tones.

"Would President Bartlet want other doctors taking their spouses on as patients?" Toby asked, mimicking the reporter.

"Dr. Bartlet will be facing a panel of her peers, who are the correct people to evaluate her medical practices," CJ answered, then backtracked. "No, that's too..." She stopped mid-sentence, startled to hear Margaret exclaim, "Josh and Amy Gardiner?!" from the other side of the room. Donna looked over at CJ like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Sorry," Margaret said. CJ turned back to Toby, trying to appear nonchalant.

"It's too...what's the word?" She knew he was sizing up her reaction and hoped he couldn't tell she was trying to overhear the rest of Donna and Margaret's conversation.

"Evasive?" Toby suggested.

"Well I don't know if _she's_ into _him_," Donna was saying quietly. CJ tried to dismiss the nagging feeling of disappointment in her stomach.

"Yeah, evasive," she said. Just then the door to Leo's office opened and Nancy came out. Margaret got up and went into the office and Donna left, stealing a guilty look at CJ on her way out.

"CJ? Toby?" Leo called. Toby put his hand briefly on her back.

"You ok?" he whispered.

"Yeah. We'll figure out the messaging after the meeting," she replied, pretending she didn't know what he was talking about, but guessing this wasn't the last time he was going to stick his nose in.

A few days later she went to Toby's office after their senior staff meeting in the Oval.

"Why did you try to mess with Josh and Amy?" she asked, shutting the door behind her. Toby looked up at her, giving her a blank look.

"I didn't," he said simply.

"You told Josh about her and Tandy."

"Yeah."

"You knew he would run with it. That he'd blow it out of proportion and have to confront her. You knew she wouldn't like it," she accused. He shrugged.

"Ok," he admitted.

"Well, why?" she demanded.

"You said you felt better when he was there," he said simply.

"I'm fine," she sighed.

"You're happy?"

"Yeah," she said convincingly. "So if Josh wants to go after Amy, good for him." Toby shrugged again.

"Ok. But I'm still allowed to mess with Josh for my own entertainment, right?" he joked and she smiled.

"Go right ahead."

-~-

The morning after the First Lady's birthday CJ thought her head would split apart. She crawled out of bed and into the kitchen, leaving the lights off as she found and took 2 Advil with a glass of orange juice, praying that she hadn't done or said anything stupid the night before. She ran through her memories of the evening; remembered chasing down the lead on the story about Abbey's review board.

She remembered running into Josh and Amy, her first time seeing them out together.

"CJ!" Amy waved her over. She plastered a smile on her face and approached them. Josh had his hand on the small of Amy's back and CJ thought he looked nervous.

"Amy. It's good to see you. Keeping Josh out of trouble?" CJ said easily, trying to show Josh she was fine with them together. Amy laughed and Josh smiled, relaxing slightly.

"You look great, CJ. Doesn't she look great?" Amy said, elbowing Josh.

"Great," he repeated sincerely, looking into CJ's eyes.

"I'm going to go get another drink. Be right back," Amy said, excusing herself. Josh put his hands in his pockets and looked down at his feet.

"Josh," CJ said, smiling at his discomfort, "We're good." He looked up at her and smiled back in evident relief.

"Good," he said sincerely.

And she also remembered getting drunk with Amy, Donna, and the First Lady later that evening.

God, she did not want to go into work today.

-~-

Abbey came to her office in the early afternoon, wearing a pair of sunglasses.

"Dr. Bartlet," CJ said, standing up.

"Sit down, Claudia Jean. And it's just Mrs. Bartlet now. You know I surrendered my license," she said, voice heavy. She shut the door behind her.

"Yes ma'am," CJ acknowledged, sitting back down at her desk.

"Well you look pretty much like I feel right now," Abbey said with a wry smile, pushing her sunglasses up on top of her head. She sat down on the couch across from CJ's desk. "I wanted to apologize."

"For what, ma'am?" CJ asked, confused.

"Well I didn't ask how you were doing after I found out about Josh and Amy. And I was so wrapped up in my own problems last night I didn't think before I asked Amy to come get drunk with us."

CJ smiled.

"Honestly, I'm fine. You don't have anything to apologize for."

"Well I'm glad to hear you're not waiting around for him to realize he wants to be with you. But then again you've never been that type of person."

"What happened between Josh and me was a mistake," CJ said. She'd repeated it many times in her head over the past few weeks and it came out easily and honestly now.

"What did I tell you about taking advice from Toby? He might be smart but don't tell me you want to end up as miserable as he is."

"That's not my plan, no."

"It wasn't a mistake, CJ. It was the right thing at the right time. And one of the great things about this world is things and people change so much you never know if it might be the right time again in a couple months, a year, or ten years. So you have to go out and live your life now, but I have a feeling that you and Josh didn't quite get things out of your systems and it's going to be the right time for you two again at some point."

"Are you considering a new career as a motivational speaker?" CJ joked.

"You mean I'm not motivational already?" Abbey laughed, standing up and heading for the door.

"Thank you, Abbey," CJ said sincerely.

"Any time, Claudia Jean."

Alone in her office again CJ put her feet up on her desk and leaned back in her chair, noticing her headache had finally disappeared. And even though she wasn't going to have time to dwell on it, she let herself be warmed for a minute by the thought that maybe, just maybe, Abbey was going to turn out to be right.

The End


End file.
